Star Trek: Beyond Not Quite a Review by Kent Hill

So the other day my wife had to go into the big smoke on a work assignment. I figured I’d tag along and since there would be time to spare, I’d go to the movies. After all the lure of the multiplex, its plush seating, its well stocked candy bar – a far cry it is from the local, tired twin cinema that hasn’t had work done to it since the week it opened – and that my friends, was a long time ago.

So the next item on the agenda, what to see? Well what was playing? Not a lot, at least nothing I was absolutely chomping at the bit to see anyways. It came down to two choices. The controversial Ghostbusters Reboot or Star Trek: Beyond. Time would be the factor which would decide and being that I missed the 10 o’clock Ghostbusters I had to look Beyond. Now I glanced at Vern’s review of the film the night before and he had gone on about, as he was a fan of Lin’s (Justin) Fast flicks, how they were connected in some aspects and the director had brought fluent and frenetic directing style to the table. Well, I haven’t see any of the Fast films and I was disappointed with Into Darkness. Abrams first outing I had so much fun at. it was the first time in a long time I had go in and come out and gone in again to the next screening. It was (for this dude in the audience) that much fun. It all worked.

Now I aint no Trekker or Trekkie or whatever it is y’all call yourselves – but, I love The Wrath of Khan. I saw that when it first came out and not knowing anything much of the whole Trek universe I loved it – and continue to do so. Into Darkness, took a lazy crap on a good movie. It brought back the rage I have against the Matrix Reloaded. It’s just sloppy storytelling. You start out with something vital and then you smoke eight packs of cigarettes, chow down on ten Big Macs, drink a case of beer and go make the next one. Sad, lazy, but I’ll save the my contempt for The Matrix Reloaded for another time.

Alright, Beyond. So we got a new director, new scribes, same crew, new villain. The movie opens with a return to traditional Trek formula: they are boldly going where no one has gone before but, there are folks there. The early exchanges between  Kirk (Pine) and a bunch of pissy little aliens is fun. Then he gets back aboard the Enterprise and when are reunited with the gang. I gotta say there is a lot of Scotty, and it is to be expected I suppose, since Simon Pegg is one of the writers. Turns out Kirk is bored. He’s Bored. He joined Starfleet on a dare and now he couldn’t give a hoot. So he’s throwing them back with Bones (Urban) who pinches Chekov’s booze, “thought he be a vodka guy.” Right, so he’s as bored as my son gets without his electronics and then come to this very cool space station. Everyone gets off. Uhura (Saldana) and Spock (Quinto)  are not sharing kisses anymore, turns out Sulu (Cho) has been made gay because it’s fashionable it seems for art to imitate life. I do care if you’re gay or straight or like to pull rabbits out of your ears. I really thought that was something that was thrown in for no reason except as social commentary. Let’s stick with plot shall we. Ok, so sadly Nimoy has passed away and Spock is discombobulated. Kirk tells the honcho at the space station he looking for a desk job and then its time to off and deal with a distress call. Enter the alien bad dude Krall (Elba) and his swarming hordes. They rip the Enterprise a knew butthole looking for the artefact that Kirk was offering as gift at flick’s opening.

First he has it then he doesn’t. Kirk and Krall fight as everybody jumps ship and are captured by the bad dudes so they can keep Krall alive. He sucks energy out of folks or something. So then we get to the planet and we are broken up into pairs. We got Spock and Bones, we got Kirk and Chekov (the late Yelchin), we got Uhura and Sulu and Scotty, that’s right, more Montgomery Scotty. Scotty hooks up with Jaylah (Boutella) and its turns out she is sitting on a hundred-year-old Starfleet vessel. Spock tells Bones he is going to go be more Vulcan and has him a laughing fit. Kirk and Chekov hook up with Scotty and the white alien chick and Kirk finds a motorbike just like the one dad used to have and then …

…then I had to go and pick up my wife, the only thing I love on this earth more than movies. She was done early and though there was a good portion of the flick to go, I walked because my wife need me. So you’ll have to tell me what happened and if it was any good cause I gotta go pick up my wife again. Kirk out.


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